Gen Z Is Misusing Therapy Speak to Justify Being Bad Friends

Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.

That phrase describes the phenomenon of diminishing communities pretty well. It's particularly pronounced with Gen Z lately, according to a slew of social media posts.

Gen Z, born between 1997 and 2012, is probably the most therapy and mental health literate generation in history. They've made work-life balance and self-care top priorities. Sometimes at the cost of their friendships though.

Daily life has moved online too. People can increasingly work or attend school remotely. Young adults are losing the "villagers" that previous generations relied on. Gen Z has made great strides at boundary setting and mental health awareness. But are their friendships paying the price?

Therapy Speak Gone Wrong

Viral advice like "you don't owe anyone anything" and "protect your peace" gets repeated constantly. The problem is when these phrases get doled out by non-mental health experts and used for every situation, explains Jamil Zaki, a professor of psychology at Stanford University and director of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Lab.

That's when "protecting your peace" morphs into being selfish or a bad friend.

"The use of therapy speak to justify, in essence, being non-committal socially, sort of withdrawing socially, or having the right to withdraw socially, I think, is really hurtful," Zaki says.

The author, 24, has seen this among her peers. When she and her roommate recently planned a potluck-style party, several attendees bailed at the last minute or didn't respond to the invitation at all.

Zaki says prior generations wouldn't have canceled in the first place.

How We Lost Community

One way sociologists once assessed people's social connections was asking how many people they could count on to pick them up from the airport at 1 a.m. Today there's Uber for that. When Joey moves out of his apartment with Chandler in "Friends," everyone helps him pack, but in 2026 he could've used TaskRabbit. Instead of asking neighbors for help, we have Postmates and Instacart.

Where we gained convenience, we lost community.

Former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has spoken extensively about loneliness. Even before the pandemic, roughly half of adults reported experiencing it. Murthy declared America's loneliness epidemic a public health crisis in spring 2023.

During an October talk at the New Yorker Festival, he said there's been a "profound and steady decline" over the last half century in participation in faith organizations, recreational leagues and service organizations. Fewer people go to school, get jobs, and raise families in the same towns they grew up in.

"Each time we make these moves, we leave a community behind, and we have to build a new community," Murthy said.

There's a third factor too: rapid reliance on technology, which has reduced the need for face-to-face interaction. "Many of the defaults that made social connection part of the infrastructure of our lives are gone, which is hard because it means that we need to then make greater individual effort to make that happen," Zaki says.

That effort is burdensome or inconvenient at times. But sometimes friendships require us to be inconvenienced.

"On the other side of that anxiety is a connection that you vitally need for your health and well being," Zaki says. "If we focus on keeping ourselves comfortable… we're missing out on, I think, a critical opportunity."

Studies have shown connections and friendships are good for our health and longevity.

"When we show up for others, our stress decreases, our sense of agency and autonomy increases, our happiness increases, and so when we focus on a hyper individualistic almost single serving version of well being… we actually are depriving ourselves of one of the great sources of well being," Zaki says.

How to Actually Build Community

Most people want to make more friends.

When making big moves or changes in your life, challenge yourself to meet new people. Naturally it will feel uncomfortable. Part of our struggle with loneliness is fear of looking out of place. Showing up to events alone, whether media happy hours or crafting collage events, can push you out of your comfort zone.

Apps like Bumble BFF, Friender and Yubo advertise themselves as Tinder-like platforms to meet friends. Others like Pie and Partiful help users find events in their area, many encouraging going solo. The obvious demand for these groups shows the elusive village exists if we're willing to make the effort.

Zaki compared building community to making a resolution to go to the gym more. Intentionally showing up and taking responsibility for an aspect of your health.

"Statistically speaking, people want to connect with you way more than you realize," Zaki says. "I think there's so much life out there with each other."

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