Gen Z Invented a New Term for an Old Dating Move
"Monkey barring" is what Gen Z calls it when someone won't let go of their current relationship until they've grabbed onto the next one. Like a kid on the playground swinging from bar to bar, never touching the ground.
If this sounds familiar, that's because people have been doing this forever. Your parents probably did it. Their parents definitely did it. Amanda Miller, a sociology professor at the University of Indianapolis, jokes this behavior might be biblical. But now it has a cutesy name and everyone's acting like it's brand new.
Here's What's Actually Happening:
Someone's unhappy in their relationship but too scared to be single. So, they line up the next person before ending things with their current partner. They're texting someone new, maybe meeting for "innocent" coffee, definitely crossing emotional boundaries. Then boom - they jump straight from one relationship to the next and swear they never cheated.
The behavior's getting worse thanks to dating apps. When you can swipe through hundreds of people, it feels like there's an infinite supply of partners waiting. Amy Chan, who wrote "Breakup Bootcamp," calls it a "shopping cart mentality" - people treating potential partners like products they can upgrade.
More than half of adults under 30 use dating apps now. That constant access to options makes it easier to keep someone in your back pocket while you're supposedly committed to someone else.
Why So Many Are Doing This
Miller says people monkey bar because they're seeking security. Being single feels vulnerable. There's something comforting about knowing exactly where you're landing before you jump. "There is stability that comes from being able to say, 'I know I'm leaving this relationship, but I have something I'm going toward" she explains.
But let's be real about what this actually is. When you're emotionally investing in someone new while still with your partner, that's a form of cheating. It might not be physical, but you're already halfway out the door.
This isn't polyamory, where everyone knows what's happening and consents to it. This isn’t physical cheating either. With monkey barring, one partner has secretly decided to leave while the other has no idea. An entirely different form of deception.
Gen Z loves creating terms for everything, and Chan points out they're impressively emotionally literate. They talk about boundaries, attachment styles, soft launches. But knowing the vocabulary doesn't mean you're actually doing the emotional work. "Sometimes, this knowledge acts as armor instead of a bridge," Chan says.
The data shows young people want serious relationships but have massive dating anxiety. They're more wary of commitment than older generations. So, they're stuck in this weird middle ground - wanting connection but terrified of vulnerability.
Why It Backfires
Dating expert Angelika Koch from Taimi says the behavior usually backfires anyway. The person doing the monkey barring often brings unresolved issues from their old relationship into the new one. The new partner might realize they were the backup plan. Trust issues multiply.
If you think your partner's monkey barring, Miller says, don't start obsessing over their location or checking their DMs. Consider how serious you are about the relationship, then decide your next move. Maybe it's a conversation. Maybe it's counseling. Maybe it's time to walk away.
"It might just be a sign this is not the right person for you," Miller says.
If you're tempted to monkey bar yourself, here's Miller's gut check: "If it's not behavior you would do in front of your partner, it's not behavior you should be doing behind their back."
The Bottom Line
Look, breaking up is scary. Being single can suck. But stringing someone along while you shop for their replacement? That's just cowardly. It's avoiding the discomfort of being alone by causing someone else pain.
The irony is that people who monkey bar never actually deal with being single. They never learn to be comfortable alone. They just swing from relationship to relationship, never touching the ground, never figuring out who they are outside of being someone's partner.
Dating apps aren't going away. The infinite scroll of options will keep tempting people. But maybe instead of creating cute names for bad behavior, we could try something radical: ending relationships honestly before starting new ones.